Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Sunglasses on a Train

There are many many many things that irritate me about travelling on the underground every day.
  • When people stand on the left on the escalators rather than walking, there are signs every ten metres - read one of them!
  • People who lean on the poles, while I struggle to find anything to hold onto so I stay on my feet when the train pulls away.
  • Men's pointy shoes are another, why wear them when there is not actually anywhere to tread in case you tread on the empty pointy pointless bit taking up valuable space.

But there is one thing i just don't understand that confuses me more than all of these points, why do some people wear sunglasses on the underground?
For a start it’s underground. 
There is no sun, there is no sunlight. There isn't even any daylight, I just don't understand it. As a normal everyday human you cannot be much further underground and further from sunlight. What are these people protecting themselves from? The brightness of their ego?
Remember that 80's film - Legend? Where a young Tom Cruise up an over-complicated series of mirrors to direct the sunlight into a cavern in order to defeat the devil and darkness? 
Even if that was set up on the Northern Line there still would not be enough sunlight there for the need to wear sunglasses!
Idiots
Look at me, I'm on the underground and I'm cooler than the rest of the people here. Anyone who does this must surely be such an idiot.

A few weeks ago I was on the tube, minding my own business, I looked down the carriage through the crowd of mildly pissed off looking people and there he was. I would say our eyes met, but they didn't, my eyes met his sunglasses, dark glasses, starring ahead in my direction.
Instantly I was annoyed.
Not only was there no sun underground, there was no sun above ground either, it was September and had been raining for 2 weeks straight.
No need for sunglasses.
I instantly took a dislike to this man, he stood there in the doorway, calmly nonchalantly minding his own business, in sunglasses. And was standing there like no one else in the train existed.
And it annoyed me
It annoyed me that on my train, the same carriage as me, was a man who thought he was cooler than everyone else.
His very existence on my train annoyed me
I wanted to storm through the carriage and ask him why - why why why, why would you do that?
Obviously I wouldn't though, even if i was next to him, I might tut in his general direction just to know how annoyed I was.
But I knew all day I would be sitting at my desk thinking about how he was there, on that train, wearing those sunglasses.
And then he did it.
He smiled.
Right at me. 
At least I think it was at me, but I couldn't see his eyes, so I couldn't be sure, but he was smiling my way, and no one else was looking at him, so it must be at me!
The rage started to build in me, how dare he stand there and smile in my general direction wearing sunglasses, who would do such a thing?
I knew I would have to overcome my fear, and say something to him. He was just taunting me with those glasses now, this was not fair, this was just not British.

The train pulled into the next station and people started to get off between me and him, this was my chance, there were just a few people in the way now, once they moved there would be a clear run between us.
What was I going to say though? This needed thinking through before I got to him.
A funny but sarcastic line was needed, one that would put him right in his place. I would probably get a round of applause from the other tube passengers. This would go down in history as one of my golden moments, my words now would live on forever in tube folklore.
Nothing came to mind, maybe it would come to me in the moment of confrontation…
This was it, I was going to say something right now
I strode purposefully forwards as the last person moved out of the way, and then I saw it, and knew why he had the dark glasses on.
He had a white stick
He was blind.
At that moment I wanted the ground to open me up and swallow me, but I was already underground so it wouldn't have helped..

I shut my mouth quickly, and stopped dead in my tracks
I was blushing and could feel my face glowing, I wanted to hide myself away quickly, and I wanted to shield myself from the world and the other train passengers, but how?
I fumbled in my pocket, pulled out my sunglasses and put them on.
Idiot.
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Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Bugs 2

I still sell bugs in e Bay.
I still get ridiculous messages that I feel I have no option than to reply to... 

Like this one from Tonytiger1712 - It's Greeeeeaaaatttt. I think 1712 maybe the year his business sense is from. 



From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

You’ve got me – well done for working out the basics of trading, buy for less sell for more. 





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

It’s immoral, you shouldn’t be allowed to buy things for a pound and sell them for more money, it’s just wrong.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Wow, how do you deal with the real world? You are aware every shop in the world does this? Do you have a panic attack if you go to a shopping mall? Are you also aware that there are shops on e-bay? It’s not just people clearing out the rubbish from their cupboards – did you think this was gumtree? Or crap that people make in their sheds – Etsy?





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

I know there are shops on here, but you are not a shop so should not be using e-bay to make money.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Again, how do you deal with the real world? I think if you look on the rules of e bay there is no real against making a bit of money, same as there isn’t if you owned a shop. How do you deal with things when you go shopping to the supermarket? You do they also buy for less and sell for more don’t you? Or are you in the habit of bartering using turnips you grow in your garden?





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

No I do not barter tunrips, I just think it’s wrong for you to buy something for a pound in a shop and then sell it for more money, if you bought it for a pound you could sell it for a pound too, that would be fair.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Tunrips? Ok ill leave that.. you know you don’t have to buy things from people if you don’t want to don’t you? Or do you have a whole house full of junk from every e bay advert you’ve ever looked at? I am not a charity, if I buy something for a pound and sell it for a pound I would be down by the charges on e-bay – which are mental enough as it is!  Believe me they make a lot of money from me, complain to them all you like and see what they say… They are a business too and want to make their money also.  Actually maybe you could help me – what could this new bug charity I’m setting up be called?  Help for Ear-Wigs?  Com-Tick Relief? Ants-esty International? Would love to hear your input on this, I think you’ll be greeeeaaaaatttttttt Mr the Tiger.





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Now you are getting ridiculous. 





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Ridicu-louse??





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Bugs Charites and things – what are you talking about? Are you going to do anything about your prices or not?





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Not



From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Well In that case I’m definitely going to have to say something to e-bay – and I think you’ll be very surprised at what they will say to you.  Do you honestly think they will agree to what you are doing?





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Erm yes – making money for them? 10% per sale, plus pay-pal costs, plus charges – I think they’ll say charge the idiots even more! Make us more money 





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

This is just one big joke to you isn’t it? 





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

No but this is some bug jokes – you might like them – to you they are free of charge;

Q: How do bees brush their hair? 
A: With a honey comb!

Q: What do moths study in school? 
A: Mothematics!

Q: What was the spider doing on the computer? 
A: Searching the web!

Q: What kind of bugs live in clocks? 
A: Ticks!

Q: What kind of ant is good at maths? 
A: An account-ant!

Q: Who is the bees favourite singer? 
A: Sting!

Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? 
A: A mumble bee!

Q: Where do bees go on holiday? 
A: Stingapore!

Q: What does a caterpillar do on New Year’s Day? 
A: Turns over a new leaf!

Q: What is a flea's favourite book? 
A: The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy

Q: What do you call a cheerful grasshopper? 
A: A hop-timist!





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

I’m reporting you





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Good Luck – ‘Bee’ Lucky or ‘Bug’ger off.