Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Road Rage

We'd found the house we were going to move to in lovely picturesque Ely, and just had to head back to London to start the packing nightmare.
We'd been joking all weekend about the lack of traffic, and enjoying actually being able to drive a car, not stop start stop start driving in constant traffic like we were used to in London.
We'd bought coffee and I put them up on the roof while I moved my coat from the passenger seat, and climbed back inside the car both of us smiling and happy, a real sense of calm over us both.
I took a sip from my coffee, too hot, always slightly too hot.
We edged out of the car park and into a line of cars at the lights. No more than 6 cars. 
"This is probably like gridlock to them all" I joked  And as I laughed I made eye contact with a man in a white van. He was near the back of the queue, but was the car closet to us as we edged out of the car park, looking to join the flow of traffic. I looked down quickly so he didn't think I was laughing at him, which I wasn't.
A moment later Kat said "What's that man in the van saying?" She continued "He's pointing at us too, what did you do this time?"
"Me? Nothing, I'm not even driving" I  thought for a moment, what could we possibly have done to annoy him?
"I did catch his eye when I as laughing, maybe he thought we were laughing at him?"
I looked up to see him pointing at us and saying something, I couldn't make out what though - back up possibly? 
"He wants us to back up I think?" I say
"I've no need to back up" Kat replies, "he can easily get past me if he doesn't want to let me out"
I shrugged hoping that will placate him
It didn't.
He got more insistent, pointing directly at me, and not at the car. 
What was he mouthing at me?
It now seemed to be "stuff up, or even f*ck up"
"Why would you say that?" I mouthed back at him silently.
"Why would he say that?" I asked Kat
"Why what did he say?"
"I think he said, or rather he called me f*ck up"
Kat laughed"You really upset him laughing at him didn't you?"
"I wasn't laughing at him though, I was laughing about the traffic, you were laughing too, why is he pinning this all on me?"
I was getting irritated now, I thought this would be an idyllic place to live, yet within an hour of deciding this I was being abused. By a white van man, they were just like they were in London, I knew only too well what his type were like.
Is this what life in Ely was like too I wondered? Maybe this is not the place for me after all, I thought people would be much more friendly outside of London.
Then i looked up and he doing something else in my direction?
He was making the pretend glass to his mouth mime, the drinkee drinkee mime. 
He was saying I was drunk, or was a drunk.
This was outrageous. It was the morning, and now he was just getting personal over 
nothing at all.
I couldn't take this anymore, and decided I was going to roll down the window and give him a piece of my mind.
"What on earth are you taking about?" I started, my voice had gone very high pitched so I knew I was really quite cross about this.  "I'm not drunk firstly, and I secondly I don't know why you were pointing at me and shouting, I was just sitting there minding my own business, this is our first day in Ely and I never thought the area would be filled with your type, I thought I was getting away from all that leaving London". 
That would tell him! he'd realise the error of his ways now I was certain.
I suddenly realised he looked really startled, surprised and annoyed by my outburst.
"I was saying coffee cup, there's a cup of coffee on the roof of your car" he pointed at the coffee cup on the car roof.
I opened the door, climbed out and indeed saw Kat's Cup of coffee that I'd accidentally left on the roof when we got in the car.
"Ah" I said
"Ah" he said smugly, realising my total embarrassment.
"Thanks very much for your help" I sounded and felt like a small boy and was sure I was blushing.
"Welcome to Ely" he called out."We're quite friendly here, not like YOUR type from London"
I grabbed the coffee from the roof and climbed into the car, and then pretended to be really interested in something on my phone until we were a long way away.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Toilet Troubles

The toilet was broken, and I was the man to fix it.  
I knew I could fix it. I was mostly sure I could fix it.
The plastic pipe letting the water into the cistern had stopped working, and I had already bought the replacement, still flying high from successfully putting up a venetian blind the day before, with minimal errors.
I was surely in the black in man-points, a toilet would be no problem, after all it was only two screws to undo and tighten up again. Then what could I do next? Maybe service the boiler, maybe build a new shed, solve the Middle East peace process? The world, or maybe the flat and garden was my oyster.

But first the job in hand, I had my replacement pipe still sitting in the Homebase bag on the side, my spanner in hand I began, I imagined emerging from the bathroom in a matter of minutes, another man-job completed more man-points on the board.
"Do you think you'll be able to do it though?" asked my girlfriend Kat.
"I'm sure I will be able to, after all if you look at it" I held up the box holding the replacement plastic pipe "There are just two bolts to tighten really, and if I do it we will save money on a plumber"
I was confident I could fix it, I was almost certain I was sure I could do it.

I turned the spanner twice more and the original pipe came off, this was going to be easy.
I took the replacement out of the box.  This DIY stuff was a doddle, what was all the fuss about anyway? 

Two hours later and I was getting nowhere fast, one of the two bolts on the new pipe just didn't fit. I had been upside down, sideways, every which way, but I couldn't get the last bolt on, it just wouldn't go, and then when thought I’d take it out and start again it got completely stuck.
Kat knocked on the door, "Are you okay in there"
"Yes nearly done" I lied, hoping she wouldn't come in to see the truth.

I had been turning it one way and then the other for so long that I could no longer actually remember which way tightened, and which way undid it.
Luckily I could Google that answer on my phone and finish the job.
A soon as I pushed ok on google using the phrase 'how do I screw' I realised the error of my ways, I'm sure none of those websites that were returned in the search would help in this situation.

If I could just undo something else I would remember which way to unscrew and which way did it up again.
Kat opened the bathroom door to see me unscrewing the shower head. "What are you doing? I thought you were mending the toilet?"
"I am, I’m just checking this too"
"OK" She looked concerned "I’ll see you later, remember if you need to we can call out that plumber"
I fumed silently, I didn’t need to call out a plumber, I could do this, really I could fix this, as soon as I undid this bolt so I could start again.
Could I really do this? I thought about having to call out a plumber, and have that feeling of uselessness. Whenever a plumber, builder or tradesman came round I found myself trying sounding what I thought a tradesman would sound, to compensate for my lack of knowledge. I’d end up sounding a lot more cockney to try to sound more 'blokey'.  Last time the window cleaner came round and asked about my guttering I shut the front door and realised I’d been doing some kind of rubbish Danny Dyer impression.
I just couldn't go through that again, I would finish this task.
Maybe if I got the big wrench on it and gave it one big turn it may work? I got it from the shed. 
It turned slightly, so I gave it everything I had, SNAP.
"That didn't sound good." I thought
The new plastic pipe fell in half on the floor, that wasn't supposed to happen, but looking on the bright side at least it wasn't stuck anymore, I knew I'd have to go back to buy another one. 

I did the long walk of shame back to Homebase, and saw the same cashier that had served me earlier, she looked confused like she'd just had Deja vu.
When I got back home Kat asked why the toilet was still broken and I was holding another new inlet pipe under my arm, when it was 'almost done' three hours ago.. 
"Erm, there were technical issues" I spluttered.
I had to go and have a cup of tea, just to have a rest for a moment before I tried again. Maybe I should watch a few more videos on YouTube of how it should be done.

Ten minutes later I prepared myself to start again, but it was done. In the time I’d had a cup of tea Kat had replaced the pipe and turned the water back on, she had finished the job where I had failed.
"It was just two bolts really" she started "and just think of the money we saved in plumbers fees"

"I think that first one was probably faulty" I said, although I know it wasn't.
Better start on fixing that shower head now I thought.


Thursday, 6 November 2014

Thumb Wars

Thumb is an app, a way of connecting and discussing topics with people all over the world. 
In their own words - 
'After launching the concept in 2010, we were surprised to find that people wanted to use the Thumb to get and give feedback in virtually every area of life (music, artwork, shopping, hairstyles, relationships, movies, food, etc.). When combining the breadth and speed of these shared opinions, tons of simultaneous conversations were sparked around things that mattered.
And just as quickly, those conversations turned into meaningful connections between like-minded individuals'
Not so. 
As with most forums and discussion groups on the internet people just go there to argue. Sounds like my kind of place.

I was browsing Thumb, when the question below appeared next to a picture of a man carrying some kind of large assault rifle.

Travis P – what part of 'shall not be infringed' do anti-gun people not understand?

The idea of owning and using guns is totally alien to me, so I felt i had to answer and start the inevitable 'discussing' with me and Travis P.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Chris – the fact they kill people – I’m glad I live in the UK

Travis P – Swimming pools kill people, Dr's kill people, cars kill people, hammers kill people, lets ban them all!!!!!lets ben hammers

Chris – Ben Hammers?? West ham supporter is he? Yeah they can be a bit violent sometimes.

Travis P – What? What’s west ham? Ban I meant, let's ban hammers

Chris – West Ham are a football team in England. So you want to ban hammers now?????

Travis P – are you a British soccer cunt? No wonder you don’t understand what I’m talking about.

Chris – Wait one moment, please do not use that word, I find it totally offensive and I think you are totally out of order using it. Its football, not soccer.
So why do you want hammers banned and not guns?

Travis P  - Like I said man Swimming pools kill people, Drs kill people, cars kill people, hammers kill people, show me some facts to prove me wrong, you have no argument, you’re pathetic.

Chris – Cars and things can kill people yes, but they were not designed for that purpose, so if they do kill it by chance or an accident, guns were designed primarily to kill.

Travis P – Dr's killed 194,000 people last year, guns around 9000, so your logic is flawed.  y’all outlawed guns, but you still have murder – how is that then? Mystery.

Chris – Yeah we still have murderers, but we don’t give them a head start by making it easy to arm them, that would really be crazy. Our murder rate and gun crime rate is tiny compared to yours – look it up.

Travis P – Bullshit – your home invasion laws are much higher than ours – why is that? Oh yeah you can’t protect yourselves like we can.

Chris – Firstly how did we get onto home break-ins? We were discussing guns, secondly I wouldn’t want to kill someone if they came into my house – two wrongs do not make a right. You’ve heard of Oscar Pistorius yes? Or does your knowledge of current affairs not go beyond the edge of your trailer park? If he did not have a gun his girlfriend might still be alive today.

Travis P - I’ve got a customer’s gun in to test for accuracy today, it sat there and didn’t kill anyone. So let me get this right – criminals committing a crime means I can’t have constitutionally protected right?

Chris - Yes that’s right, that’s the job of the police, you have no right to take the law into your own hands and make the situation worse by killing someone. You’re beginning to get this – we’ll make you civilised yet cowboy.

Travis P – try giving me some actual facts – you cannot win against me – give me yours sources – give me your sources!  the FBI says you’re wrong, congress says you’re wrong, CDC says you’re wrong. Prove them wrong and come back to me.  I DARE YOU!

Chris – OK let’s start with some basics – I think its best we are as basic as possible. You said yourself that 9000 people died because of guns last year – yes? That would be 9000 people still alive without guns then wouldn’t it? Are you with me still?
There are 9000 people with bullet holes in them wishing there were no guns for a start.

Travis P– show me facts man – show me some sources.

Chris  - See Below



Travis P – What the hell? Is everything a joke with you? This is SERIOUS

Chris – To be honest I find when in talking to a clown, sometimes jokes are the only language they can comprehend.

Travis P – I am the clown? I AM THE CLOWN?

Chris – Correct again – it’s wonderful how you are catching onto the truth of things now – well done. Let’s  go basic again to see if you have this. In England we have a much lower gun crime rate than you do – do you understand that?

Travis P – because we have 300,000,00 guns, dig it will be higher

Chris – So you have answered this yourself, you have more gun crime because you have more guns, now follow through on this line of thought – if you had LESS guns would it not therefore work out that you would have less gun crimes? Come on genius – stay with me on this one…

Travis P – NO – You have no proof! No stats, no common sense yet again, No validity – PROVE ME WRONG I DARE YOU!

Chris – Why are you so angry all the time? Wow it’s lucky that someone so angry doesn’t have access to guns and high velocity ammunition…….uh oh…..
The problem here is that you just don’t listen, even when someone presents the other side of the argument you just don’t listen. And laws can change over the years – here are some crazy laws from the US;

In Alabama, it is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth

Just because something in law that was ok and worked 100+ years ago doesn’t mean it’s still relevant in society today. We have more information now and we understand now why it is no longer okay. Its the same with owning guns I and most right-minded people think.

Travis P – Fuck you retard.


Chris – Pleasant to the last. Thanks for the reasoned debate, talking to you reminded me of this...






Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Sunglasses on a Train

There are many many many things that irritate me about travelling on the underground every day.
  • When people stand on the left on the escalators rather than walking, there are signs every ten metres - read one of them!
  • People who lean on the poles, while I struggle to find anything to hold onto so I stay on my feet when the train pulls away.
  • Men's pointy shoes are another, why wear them when there is not actually anywhere to tread in case you tread on the empty pointy pointless bit taking up valuable space.

But there is one thing i just don't understand that confuses me more than all of these points, why do some people wear sunglasses on the underground?
For a start it’s underground. 
There is no sun, there is no sunlight. There isn't even any daylight, I just don't understand it. As a normal everyday human you cannot be much further underground and further from sunlight. What are these people protecting themselves from? The brightness of their ego?
Remember that 80's film - Legend? Where a young Tom Cruise up an over-complicated series of mirrors to direct the sunlight into a cavern in order to defeat the devil and darkness? 
Even if that was set up on the Northern Line there still would not be enough sunlight there for the need to wear sunglasses!
Idiots
Look at me, I'm on the underground and I'm cooler than the rest of the people here. Anyone who does this must surely be such an idiot.

A few weeks ago I was on the tube, minding my own business, I looked down the carriage through the crowd of mildly pissed off looking people and there he was. I would say our eyes met, but they didn't, my eyes met his sunglasses, dark glasses, starring ahead in my direction.
Instantly I was annoyed.
Not only was there no sun underground, there was no sun above ground either, it was September and had been raining for 2 weeks straight.
No need for sunglasses.
I instantly took a dislike to this man, he stood there in the doorway, calmly nonchalantly minding his own business, in sunglasses. And was standing there like no one else in the train existed.
And it annoyed me
It annoyed me that on my train, the same carriage as me, was a man who thought he was cooler than everyone else.
His very existence on my train annoyed me
I wanted to storm through the carriage and ask him why - why why why, why would you do that?
Obviously I wouldn't though, even if i was next to him, I might tut in his general direction just to know how annoyed I was.
But I knew all day I would be sitting at my desk thinking about how he was there, on that train, wearing those sunglasses.
And then he did it.
He smiled.
Right at me. 
At least I think it was at me, but I couldn't see his eyes, so I couldn't be sure, but he was smiling my way, and no one else was looking at him, so it must be at me!
The rage started to build in me, how dare he stand there and smile in my general direction wearing sunglasses, who would do such a thing?
I knew I would have to overcome my fear, and say something to him. He was just taunting me with those glasses now, this was not fair, this was just not British.

The train pulled into the next station and people started to get off between me and him, this was my chance, there were just a few people in the way now, once they moved there would be a clear run between us.
What was I going to say though? This needed thinking through before I got to him.
A funny but sarcastic line was needed, one that would put him right in his place. I would probably get a round of applause from the other tube passengers. This would go down in history as one of my golden moments, my words now would live on forever in tube folklore.
Nothing came to mind, maybe it would come to me in the moment of confrontation…
This was it, I was going to say something right now
I strode purposefully forwards as the last person moved out of the way, and then I saw it, and knew why he had the dark glasses on.
He had a white stick
He was blind.
At that moment I wanted the ground to open me up and swallow me, but I was already underground so it wouldn't have helped..

I shut my mouth quickly, and stopped dead in my tracks
I was blushing and could feel my face glowing, I wanted to hide myself away quickly, and I wanted to shield myself from the world and the other train passengers, but how?
I fumbled in my pocket, pulled out my sunglasses and put them on.
Idiot.
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Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Bugs 2

I still sell bugs in e Bay.
I still get ridiculous messages that I feel I have no option than to reply to... 

Like this one from Tonytiger1712 - It's Greeeeeaaaatttt. I think 1712 maybe the year his business sense is from. 



From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

You’ve got me – well done for working out the basics of trading, buy for less sell for more. 





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

It’s immoral, you shouldn’t be allowed to buy things for a pound and sell them for more money, it’s just wrong.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Wow, how do you deal with the real world? You are aware every shop in the world does this? Do you have a panic attack if you go to a shopping mall? Are you also aware that there are shops on e-bay? It’s not just people clearing out the rubbish from their cupboards – did you think this was gumtree? Or crap that people make in their sheds – Etsy?





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

I know there are shops on here, but you are not a shop so should not be using e-bay to make money.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Again, how do you deal with the real world? I think if you look on the rules of e bay there is no real against making a bit of money, same as there isn’t if you owned a shop. How do you deal with things when you go shopping to the supermarket? You do they also buy for less and sell for more don’t you? Or are you in the habit of bartering using turnips you grow in your garden?





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

No I do not barter tunrips, I just think it’s wrong for you to buy something for a pound in a shop and then sell it for more money, if you bought it for a pound you could sell it for a pound too, that would be fair.





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Tunrips? Ok ill leave that.. you know you don’t have to buy things from people if you don’t want to don’t you? Or do you have a whole house full of junk from every e bay advert you’ve ever looked at? I am not a charity, if I buy something for a pound and sell it for a pound I would be down by the charges on e-bay – which are mental enough as it is!  Believe me they make a lot of money from me, complain to them all you like and see what they say… They are a business too and want to make their money also.  Actually maybe you could help me – what could this new bug charity I’m setting up be called?  Help for Ear-Wigs?  Com-Tick Relief? Ants-esty International? Would love to hear your input on this, I think you’ll be greeeeaaaaatttttttt Mr the Tiger.





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Now you are getting ridiculous. 





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Ridicu-louse??





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Bugs Charites and things – what are you talking about? Are you going to do anything about your prices or not?





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Not



From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

Well In that case I’m definitely going to have to say something to e-bay – and I think you’ll be very surprised at what they will say to you.  Do you honestly think they will agree to what you are doing?





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Erm yes – making money for them? 10% per sale, plus pay-pal costs, plus charges – I think they’ll say charge the idiots even more! Make us more money 





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

This is just one big joke to you isn’t it? 





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

No but this is some bug jokes – you might like them – to you they are free of charge;

Q: How do bees brush their hair? 
A: With a honey comb!

Q: What do moths study in school? 
A: Mothematics!

Q: What was the spider doing on the computer? 
A: Searching the web!

Q: What kind of bugs live in clocks? 
A: Ticks!

Q: What kind of ant is good at maths? 
A: An account-ant!

Q: Who is the bees favourite singer? 
A: Sting!

Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? 
A: A mumble bee!

Q: Where do bees go on holiday? 
A: Stingapore!

Q: What does a caterpillar do on New Year’s Day? 
A: Turns over a new leaf!

Q: What is a flea's favourite book? 
A: The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy

Q: What do you call a cheerful grasshopper? 
A: A hop-timist!





From Tonytiger1712  
To     BorisMonkey

I’m reporting you





From BorisMonkey 
To     Tonytiger1712

Good Luck – ‘Bee’ Lucky or ‘Bug’ger off.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Turning Australian - When you pick up on an accent, and just can't stop.

Alan arrives at our flat. 
Alan is an estate agent who is here to talk to us about renting our flat when we move.
He steps in wearing the customary estate agent shiny suit, I laugh inwardly. Earlier I had predicted this to Kat, "He'll definitely be wearing a shiny suit” I'd said. This night is going to go exactly as I thought it would I'm pretty sure.
But then something happened that changed everything. 
I sit and listen as he shows us pictures and information on properties he has rented for people in the recent past, and then he starts with the jargon and estate agent talk.
Estate agent talk is something that troubles me, where they always try to make something very negative sound like a positive.
When you are searching for flats or houses on Zoopla or Rightmove you really have to read between the lines of the comments they say.
We all for example know when they say "easy to maintain living space" it means "It’s very very small",  "The property has excellent transport links” really means "There's a motorway right next to it", and when they say “Within easy reach of local schools” it means "Kids will congregate outside your house at lunchtime and drop litter all over your driveway.”
But something else makes me uneasy about Alan, he is the most Australian man I've ever met. That's not a problem in itself, I've met and been friends with Australians in the past, but he was SO Australian that he was making me also a bit Australian.
If Alf Stewart himself was there with us even he would even say "Geez, that bloke is Australian", and that doesn't go half way to explaining his Australian-ness.
The problem is that his uber-antipodean accent is beginning to affect me, a rising inflection or high rising terminal as it’s known is creeping into my speech pattern as we talk, basically I can hear the end of my sentences going up, like I'm asking a question even when I'm not, more than Alan is doing even. I'm effectively and unintentionally doing a kind of mock Neighbours impression back to him. To make things worse I think he may have noticed, he looks at me in a confused way as he continues talking about
To try to stop this happening I decide now is the time to show him around the flat, this doesn't take long, as it is really only 5 rooms and a front door.
I imagine Alan in his full on estate agent mode selling this as a positive "And of course the benefit of the reduced size of this property means you can hoover the entire flat all from one plug point..." negative into a positive.
Kat starts describing eloquently the parts of the flat she likes the best, and what she will miss when we move.
Alan is looking at me waiting for me to say something, "And what will you miss Chris?"
I rack my brain for something to say, I've literally just been standing there trying not to say anything Australian-y.
"I guess I'd miss the outside space too" This is good I'm thinking to myself, this is selling the whole property, this is a positive thing to do, I'm sure Sarah Beany was saying to do this, sell every area and the lifestyle it provides on that channel 4 programme. I continue "Yes we laid a new patio out there last year, must say it’s a good space now for a barbie" 
Did I? Did I really just do what I think I did? A cold sweat envelops me. 
Did I just do a full Australian accent then when I said that? To an actual Australian? I look at Kat and seeing her wide eyed stare toward me realise I had indeed done that. 
"What was that?" Alan asked
"Good for a bit of a barbie.. Que that is" I try to tone down the accent
Then realise he wasn't asking "what was that?" in an "I didn't hear you please repeat that" way, it was more in a "did you really just do that" kind of way.
And I had. 
Twice now in fact.
Kat changes the subject hastily to mention the shed, and I bite my tongue. I swear to myself I will not speak again until he is gone.
He does his pitch to us and I stay silent and nod. Surely I can't do that wrong?
He gets up to leave to go back down the stairs to the cold autumnal night.
He looks at me, "oh I forgot to ask, what is your neighbour like underneath"
"Oh she's great, the lady down under" there is that accent again, and I'm pretty sure I added a head wiggle this time too.
This is getting ridiculous.
I hide in the bathroom until I can hear that he’s gone.
"What was all that about " Kat asks as she closes the door
"I'm so sorry” I say genuinely feeling bad "I just sort of - panicked"
“And turned Australian?”
“It just got out of hand”
On the way to his car I bet Alan thought " Jeez, that bloke was an idiot" or more likely "that bloke really has a very easy to maintain thinking area" 

And who could blame him?

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Bugs



I sell bugs on e-bay.
Not like the a strain of bacteria, or micro-organism that causes illness or has a superficial resemblance to an insect or bug, or even the breed of dog, a cross between a pug and a Boston terrier.
Bugs, in plastic - or Lucite to give it its proper name. like the one on the picture.
From the pound shop.
But they keep selling.
I know this not a bad thing. 
It would be odd of me to complain about me advertising something on e-bay, and then complaining when it sold. 
But they sell for anything up to £10, when I bought then for £1 - that's how the pound shop works you see. 
But when they reach this higher end of the scale I actually feel slight embarrassment when I send them out, just in case the buyer hasn't read my description correctly, and think they are maybe getting one as large as the picture, like it is on a 1-1 scale.
yet I never get any complaints, even when they sell for £10. one sold for £13 once, and after I posted it out the next day I waiting for the angry message, asking where the large bug was, and asking why I had sent them one as large as a bubblegum, but the message never came, just positive feedback saying how 'pleased they were with the item'. 
'Not if they saw how much I paid for it they wouldn't be' I thought. 
But people keep buying them, so ill keep selling them.
I do get some strange questions asked though... Borismonkey is my name on e bay, Einstein1982 is the name of an idiot who sent me a message.







From Einstein1982   
To     BorisMonkey

Re the bugs you are selling - are they still alive?




From BorisMonkey  
To     Einstein1982 

Wow - you really went for the big question there straight from the off didn't you? If they can survive being placed into liquid plastic resin then yes I guess they could still be alive in there. 
They were not provided with tiny chisels though, so if you bought one I guess you would be okay.



From Einstein1982
To     BorisMonkey

I'm not sure if you are being sarcastic in your message>?  Does this mean they are definitely dead? 
If I were to put one into boiling water would it defrost again?
Thanks




From BorisMonkey  
To     Einstein1982 

Am i being punk'd here? Can I ask how you got your user name Einstein1982? is it ironic?
They will not defrost in boiling water, not everything in life is like in the ice age films.
They may melt and turn to mush in a fire, why you would want to do this though I do not know. Maybe you've just watched Jurassic Park, and are now under the misconception that you could start some kind of giant bug safari Park?
Are you conducting some kind of experiment to expand your knowledge try to live up to your famous namesake? How about reading a book instead - I've got some old dot-to-dot books that may blow your mind!





From Einstein1982
To     BorisMonkey

Okay there is no need for rudeness, I just wanted to check that they are safe - I do have children in the house you know.





From BorisMonkey  
To     Einstein1982 

You are of course totally right to check this out, you may want to also check that your eggs will not hatch dangerous chickens with big pointy beaks, and your ice cubes in your freezer do not combine to make a abominable snowman - I've heard they can get quite tetchy at times.





From Einstein1982
To     BorisMonkey
i just wanted to check that was all, i didn't expect to receive a barrage of abuse back. You should make things clearer on you advert, I'm sure  I'm not the only person to ever be confused about this.




From BorisMonkey  
To     Einstein1982 

Actually you really are the first, no one has ever asked me, or I'm sure anyone who has ever sold a bug in plastic the kinds of question you have asked.
Don't congratulate yourself on this - this is not a good thing.
But just for you can I check the text of my next advert with you?

'real, 100% dead, 100% non-defrostable, non threatening bug for sale. Not suitable for stupid people, or stupid peoples children'

There - I hope I haven't missed anything?




From Einstein1982
To     BorisMonkey

Don't bother. i found that other people sell them too, so I will go speak to one of them instead.




From BorisMonkey  
To     Einstein1982 

Good for you, Well done genius.

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If you would like to buy a totally overpriced, real, 100% dead, 100% non-defrostable, non threatening bug then look me up on e-bay under borismonkey.